Unlike University Students who can always skip class or High Flying Investment Bankers with easy access to high end vitamins and cocaine, the Yachting Professional is inevitably going to find themselves grabbing a chamois in less that tip top condition. It comes with the territory. The show must go on and so must you. Of course, everyone has dealt with it enough to have a method or protocol and accordingly, the Yachtie, in consultation with a panel of Maritime Professionals has compiled a helpful list of the types and severity of morning afters. While tolerances and metabolisms can vary wildly, most ailments tend to fit within the following spectrum:
1. The Hazer: It’s not so much a hangover as the body just cluing you in that something is not quite right. It’s not sick, it’s not achey. It’s just not normal. By far the most common ailment and the easiest to breeze through.
2. The Thirster: A step up. The thoughts are a bit muddled and the only real symptom is that horrific thirst. Always remember, soda first, then a juice of some sort, then water. Try not to feed it. Rehydrate because you’ll be peeing iced tea until the early evening.
3. The Buzz and Rally: This is the first step into the proper morning after. There’s still a bit of jauntiness leeching through the veins. Lot’s of mouthwash and maybe some altoids. Avoid contact with anyone. The key is to land it just after lunch. There’ll be a tough hour but once you make it through you’ll be set to do it again or stay in and watch a film.
4. The Queaser: The stomach is in revolt. There might be a slight headache. Nothing but Soda. Food is not an option but you’ve got to eat something. Down a plate quickly or contrive some reason to skip through lunch.
5. The Wrath of God: Your brain is throbbing. It’s trying to escape your skull. You cannot keep any liquids down. You are weak. Motor control is sluggish. Dry heaving is inevitable. You are on the verge of system collapse. The key is to keep moving. If you are still for too long you are liable to keel over onto the teak, lifeless. You might feel normal the next day but you’re out for at least 48 hours.